I’m In the Middle and Don’t Know Which Way To Go
Posted: Friday, February 12, 2010
by Harlan Foster
Very Good Company
(The following was told to me by a close friend who is going through hell and is unable to see the light at the end of his tunnel. He did not ask for advice or counsel; only to be heard as he bared his heart and soul before me.)
There are days, not too frequently, but they come along now and then, and nothing, absolutely nothing and I mean NOTHING goes right on one of those days. It begins in the morning with a simple thing like tying my shoes; the right shoe ties just fine. The left, on the other hand, breaks. It's a black lace and I only have one pair of black shoes (the other eleven pairs are brown) and no spare laces. The phone rings and as I reach for the receiver, I hit a vase of flowers on the desk with my arm; reaching for the vase before it tumbles (and the phone keeps ringing), I spill my coffee cup on the calendar pad and my pants (and the phone keeps ringing). By the time I carefully get the receiver to my ear, there is nothing but dial tone. And this is just the morning. I'm debating with myself to either get back into bed, park myself in front of the television with a supply of movies to last the entire day or change my pants, finish getting dressed, hide the car keys and forget where I put them, leave the house and choose a direction to start walking and keep walking in that direction till noon, then turn around and come back. The day should pretty much be over by then; the day one of those days; THAT day.
I also read, someplace else, that I should not let anyone or anything take control of my emotions, my feelings, my attitude. I am in control of my emotions and such. I am the one who sets the temperature of my environment. I'm the one who controls the way I feel and the way I react to any situation that comes my way, all day and every day. But what I read didn't cover breaking the only black lace on my one pair of black shoes when I need to be out the door in five minutes. It didn't cover knocking over an expensive vase that my wife loves and received as a gift from her grandmother who has now gone the way of all flesh; an expensive vase filled with fresh carnations and daisies. It didn't say anything about spilling coffee on my calendar pad and in my lap. No one ever taught me how to rise above the emotional and physical entrapments that life often lays on the paths I walk. How do I get around the garbage that an uncaring, unconcerned people carelessly throw aside? Sure, I can hide inside myself and pretend that everything is okay out there; I can believe that I'm doing just fine when the world around me is crumbling; and I can hold my head up when my personal environment is blazing with dissention, anger, discontent and unhappiness. What happens, though, when I face reality and see what is really going on around me? These are no one else's problems or situations but mine. I do not expect anyone else to pay my bills or clean up after me. Nor can I expect a sugar-daddy to pop out of the woodwork and rescue me from the ravages of my own misconceptions, miscalculations, misdeeds and mistakes. In fine, I have made my bed and I must now lie in it. I'm chafing at the bit; I'm running scared; I see no end to the misery and I do not know what I can do to help myself. God is hiding in His pavilion and I cannot reach Him. I pray and my words fall on the floor. I feel lost, unable to find my way and I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I have no idea how to reverse the course of my life. Each day unfolds with a new set of problems and difficulties that only add to the already accumulating pile of yesterday's problems and difficulties. I'm afraid to keep living and scared out of my wits to die. There is no place to hide and if I could find such a place, I would not have the means to get there.
The constant noise all around me is driving me farther into my hole. The traffic, motorcycles, loud cars, loud music, babies crying and people yelling to one another in the street is like a cancerous disease in my ears, affecting my entire body. There is no harmony, no organization, no peace, only chaos, cacophony and disruption. Not only are most of the societies on the planet at war, but the planet, itself, seems to be at war, with itself. The major issue of world-wide ecology that has emblazoned the headlines for decades is a go-nowhere, be-nothing issue that never finds resolution. Individuals, groups, societies, nations, continents all talk their good stories about "fixing" the planet yet no one really does a thing. The face of planet Earth is changing, drastically, and we all just stand by like spectators at a high school football game and watch. It is the principle of the 80-20 theory in practice; the (unnamed, lest they be offended) 20 percent minority is taking over the 80 percent majority in a bloodless coup that will bring the world under a (again, unnamed) one-world domination, unless the lazy, uninvolved, side-lining 80 percent get off their duffs and take the only action they can to prevent what they see happening. But the 20% also know the history of societies in the world; the 80% will not take any action, rather will sit on the sidelines and complain. To the end, those complaints will have fallen on deaf ears and the 20% will have won the war and they will be in charge. Whatever place there might have been to hide, will belong to the 20% who now rule the world.
I'm not asking for your help, just that you recognize me as a human being in trouble, who cannot see the end of misery. Grant me that one request, that you acknowledge me as being desperate, lonely, unhappy and searching for an answer. Please.
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)An incisive painful narrative stream of consciousness.'People are as happy as they imagine themselves to be', is a harsh reminder.We all suffer along with you.Thank you for this salute to angst and entropy .The need to ventilate and SW's access is no accident as you have reached many.I have had weeks like this;' I woke up and got dressed and two buttons fell off.I reached for my briefcase and the handle fell off.I am afraid to go to the bathroom!'Paul SchroederPaul:Despite the suffering you included in your remarks, I had to laff heartily at the last item on your agenda: afraid to go to the br. While listening to my friend describe to me his hopelessness, I wanted to cry, to give advice, to offer solutions, to help him any way I (thot I) could. What he only wanted was to be heard. Nothing I would have said would have helped him. He just wanted to vent. But in his vent I saw the impossibility of a human finding a solution for what seemed to be a mountain he would never climb. What else is there but to listen?I was secretly sure that it was secretly you whom you wrote about as you were so poignant; almost like; 'so this guy walks into a shrinks's office wearing bacon lettuce and tomatoes behind his ears and says;" I am here to talk to you about my brother, whom I'm terribly worried about!"I was so sure that it was you and not 'him' whom you were worried and writing about...When one has 'nothing goes right' periods one must be wary and aware because these things happen by no accident. Here's an insight from my mystical side.
They are happening in his life because he is far from the prearranged spiritual path delineated in his carefully preplanned blueprint .These "nothing, is going right!", malfunctions alert one instantly that something else down a long hallway and somewhere else is also not right.Bad luck isn't just bad karma.When one is on one's correct preplanned blueprint's spiritual path 'everything seems to go right'. When one is very far from self-set goals,all hell breaks loose, everywhere all at once.What he is complaining about isn't the disease, it's merely the symptoms.It's that simple; tell him what I said.(Glad that I got the bathroom(br.). laugh that I was aiming for.)Listening to Standup Comedy and watching it on cable T.V. can be instrumental for cheering up someone in a chronic hopeless/ depressed fugue.Turn him on to large doses of that to stir the cheer of his lagging soul .Then, have him pray hard for guidance and enlightenment.;PaulLafter (laughter) therapy; some years ago, it saved a person (don't recall the gender) from terminal cancer. The young man, to whom I will refer as Link, altho he asks for no advice, is open to suggestion. I will pass your comments his way. And, Paul, if you ever see me wearing a bacon, lettuce and tomato (sandwich) behind my ears, let me know, and the first thing I will do is stop and eat the thing. I love BLTs.
Great job Harlan! Though this article is really on a painful note! It reminds us that we all need to change and stop complaining and become the part of the change!Ravi:I had to check twice to be sure it was you making this comment and not Barak Obama. You're right! Changes are necessary. "Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results" is the real meaning of insanity. Thank you for your interest, time and comment.
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